An A$$hole Abroad: Homeward Bound

It's time to...

Michigan is in the rear-view mirror now, and we are headed back to Florida. Having just moved from Michigan four months ago after nearly 50 years of calling it home, I was worried a return visit so soon would make us miss it all over again and force us to second guess our decision to move in the first place. Fortunately, a Detroit heat wave that was hotter and moister than a camel’s nut sack and a pseudo-stepmother that was drunker and dumber than a box of vodka-soaked rocks made our re-departure surprisingly free of remorse.

Would you buy a used car from any one of these people?

Yes, there are many people we miss dearly, but absence makes the heart grow fonder, and we’re ready to begin fostering big hearts full of fondness from the solitude of our Naples lanai, 1,500 miles away.

I always try to color coordinate with
my rodents.

By the time we get home, we’ll have touched something like 19 states, paid about 40 hotel bills, driven over 9,000 miles, drained skanky cooler water dozens of times, and posed next to countless, giant statues of wildlife. I don’t know if those statistics at all make the trip sound appealing or abhorrent, but I can honestly say we had a blast. Incidentally, we also have enough Hilton shampoo to fill a kiddie pool.

Of course travel is hollow without personal growth. To that end, here are a few things we learned on this trip:

Michigan still has the shittiest roads (and some of the highest gas prices) in the US.

When you see the phrase ‘free continental breakfast,’ you can accurately replace the word ‘continental’ with ‘coughed upon by un- showered strangers.’

Reliable wi-fi is possibly more important than drinking water.

Wisconsin still does cheese just a little better than everyone else.

Todd Donnelly is still a rock star.

Our Tang-colored, embarrassment of a president will win another term.

Northern Wisconsin strippers can make up to $200 a night, but I’m pretty sure that also includes a few hours of splitting firewood.

Panama City is gross.

All over the heartland, there’s a lot of money being spent on anti-abortion billboards. Roe v Wade via Mass Media.

We have pretty awesome nieces and nephews.

The next time I see a drunk person yelling at a building, I will have the presence of moment to video it.

Fran Sulak makes the best coconut macaroons.

If you don’t eat beef, smoke, and drink & drive, Wyoming is probably not for you.

All over this great country, people are fundamentally the same and want the same things. Casinos, mostly.

Due to a quirky licensing law, Fargo has the only chain drugstore in the country that can’t legally sell drugs. (But they still process film, so there's that.)

Rapid City, SD is a place you should really check out.

People that run legal marijuana dispensaries should not open at 8am, as they are typically not morning people.

Antelope are as prevalent as fruit flies and could easily solve world hunger.

The Vinyl Taco is just about the greatest name for a Mexican restaurant.

My oldest sister loves anchovies. I did not know that.

Hotels that give out free, fresh-baked cookies are the best hotels in the world.

Idaho is way more than just potatoes.

Kim Skarritt is a saint.

If there’s a day when your back really hurts and your knee is sprained, going on a tour a few thousand feet into a cramped cave is probably not the best idea for a day trip.